You actualy content, or, direction of that was beautiful. But, although your content was very nice... You ruind it for me in almost all the lines because you worded it all VERY awkwardly. I mean, this whole piece I could just go line by line and rephrase things and they could just be sooooooo much more powerfull. The way you did it you really sold you content short. Also, your structure was all over the place. Which, if you had worded the content better then the structure would have been an extremely minor thing. So again, it all comes down to wording... Just re-read your piece before you post because I mean... There's no way that sounds as good as it could. Stay up and keep writing man.