Whys That?
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IP:
your main problem is structure, your writing very long bars. Maybe try centre your peices seen as you do have long syllabled bars.
this is ok, nothing highly original but a ok read in general. Your vocab could be upp'd slightly, aswell us some meta's and imagery.
Try shortening your lines a bit though, they seemingly are very long and its makes for a bad read.
keep dropping.
-Y's-
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