because they're losers, just like you my little Middle Eastern friend
lol
eww you write with the bars at the end of your lines...that looks bad in poetry, we know it's the end of the line when you press ENTER mami, lol
off the bat i'll tell you right now.. you need to work on your structure
like right here...
Quote:
just realizing my flesh//
will be the reason for my death//
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that should've been one sentence, just put a comma after "flesh"...you can use internal rhyme in poetry
your vocab is kewl, not simple and your subject isn't lame lik "love" or some shit...you weren't way simple but you didn't O.D. on it either...it's just right
Quote:
he's doing his best to assure me I have a purpose
although his words make sense his logic seems worthless
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^ liked that part a lot, made me really think about how you must really be feeling pain if the person you love's logicmeans nothing
'cause life is parrallel to hell and i can't maintain
^ like dat too
like I told you on MSN, you should def make this a "dramatic reading" and record it...if not I'll do it got dammit lol