Oz.:

The lies of the highs, loyalty, and The top positions
they count our deaths but our presence is a omission
They take our culture, freedoms and turn them into crimes
leaving our ghetto's and cults in financial Binds
Just so they can have another chance in time
but didnt they know the minutes nor hours can rewind

^I like the beginning but I feel you kinda rushed from the one thing to the other. You switch from aspect to aspect but the transition isn't smooth, you just mention these issues but don't really work them out. I would like to see more details, maybe skip some issues but be more indepth about a couple of them you know. The vocab was a tad basic, imagery could be better as well. Solid but you could do a lot more with this topic and overall storyline.


so look at our state of mind, confused and dilluted
they throw there petty waste in our streets so we polluted
but how come my brothers did his wrong
and now we serve our time twice as long
so no we sing the same sad satanic song
made by the rich man, served by the poor man
demented by the higher man, to crush the lower man plan

^Same prob, you go from polluting to your brother. Get more details on one aspect, then smoothly move on to the next you know. Also do a spelling check, it is easier to read. I like the last lines with the "man" bit, I enjoyed how you worded that.


to suceed. We hang petty thieves and appoint the great
just to a lower income and a community debate.
about their life and, rumors spread and exaggerate
so thats a punishment? A slander to your pride and name
Oh this world is only and always playing games
with the minds of our people as our futures lay in coffins
because We hang petty theives & appoint the great ones to public offices

^The prob stays the same basically so I'll comment on the entire piece. I thought you picked a great topic and I see where you are going with this but add more details, make it longer and just speak on each issue a bit more. Give us images, give us emotion but do it bit by bit and make sure the transition goes smoothly.



shodown:


So defined in existence left with fear in fifth gear
As soon as the sun sets a new day starts to tear.
Descending upon pain, held guilty upon thy RAIN
For the four seasons of loneliness begins with Rushed pain.
Sailing so softly in a downward spiral, as if in shame
No one yet to remember of the past so forgotten is your name.
Scented Failure drenched on thy body of innocence
All eye’s on you as fakeness of love falls in remembrance.
Slowly dripping on the shy face of essential Degrade
Bullied and picked on with no friends in every GRADE.
Colored racists flaring, every one pin pointing at one another
Not thinking before they act as they notice there the lonely other.
No food on thy table. For what table is there to begin with
For I am the lone ranger sailing on thy own on the LONELY SHIP.
Ocean crashing against the rocks as I wake up to a new day
But nothing ever changes thy way so I may say until today.

^I like the storyline you are using, you filled the topic in nicely. The imagery was there, I love some of your wordings because they had a poetic feel to it. Transition could be smoother in some spots though, here and there you have same prob as Oz. IMO. Oh and the caps are not necessary at all, lose that because it gets annoying. I enjoy the emotion you put into it as well, vocab could be better.


As I watched how the rocks stopped the waves with it’s touched
I reminisced of a time where I had that feeling and loved it so much.
For then where has it gone, for why has it thy left me alone
Leaving me stranded and drenched in pain with no pain feeling COLD.
For it was not thy fault. It was me all along for I had not seen.
Drenched my soul is the ascending water. As if I was in a river stream.
Solemnly though I swear upon your faithfulness SEAM
To one’s eye’s in surprise as I glide on this believable BEAM.
As you and I collide to be one thy sight of happiness is Keen
With you help of guiding and my will to believe brings us as a tag team.
In an endless scheme of endless DREAMS there’s no fear HERE
As I float atop the ocean I call my OWN dream. The catching tears.^

^Nice ending, I like how you worked towards this. I have nothing to add to my previous statement in fact. That sums this stanza up as well, you had the solid stuff down. Just put a few raw edges in there, work on vocab a bit but the storyline is good, the imagery and emotion are on point as well.



My vote goes to shodown for having a more complete and interesting piece!

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