you really coulda used a description of the pain of you being shot in the first verse, or even a greater discription of how you felt when ya boy got shot... Or even some sort of explanation as to why you're in that situation at all... as is this seems really imcomplete... On top of that yeah you really coulda used some interlocking rhymes... mabye multies... or just rhyme more often per line... ya structure was also off... and neither verses looked like a whole 16 bars...

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