View Single Post
Old 02-13-06, 09:08 AM   #796
Avalon
is back...
 
Avalon's Avatar
 
Posts: 790
IP:

Quote:
Originally Posted by §ÄþþØ
Sitting in my room, under the moon, hearing blues,
bearing in this sad tune, my heart been badly bruised,
ripples of the guitar sending waves into my badger mind,
where the place "self" I can't find, call me Ray, I'm blind,
heart of drum comes into play and it sounds so familiar,
It eases my pain, and it clears up my brain, this is a killer,
tip tap, that must be the rain, the quiet ones runs down my
cheeks, heart throbbing in agony when everytime I *sigh*
I'm drowning in my own ocean, pores open with salty sweats,
I'm fend to lose my breath, if I don't swim myself out of this.
My mind blurry like looking into a screene with full of "rice",
I'm swimming hard as I can, but my arms are weak
..It looks like I'm fend to lose the fight,

sharks coming after me, but what's the use, I have no life,
so I weaken myself and drown, no accident, for a purpose,
I'm going to hell anyways, why waste space on this surface,
where it's going to hurt worse, the exposure is going to sting,
the big bold letters in the article going to put me in eternity sleep
so I leave u with this tape, "don't worry" and a loud bang,
now everything done changed, lips are sealed once again,
what i've done can't be reverse, one mistake and my life is over.

True story here, a man beat his girlfriend to death, he didn't mean to, he wanted to teach her a lesson and not cheat on him again, after that the cops said they found a tape called "Don't worry" It plays a instrumental, which the cops believed he made, it was played by a guitar and drums. Chea.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Wrote this from that beat, a Topical verse, but w.e I know it's not going to flow anyways








if you don't mind a critique... this was pretty hot... flow wasn't bad for text... this could be a sick verse with a few key elements added...


1. develope the story... not the topic... if you understand what I'm saying... listen to Jay Z - Meet the parents... the topic was... mom, dad split... dad never met his son... son followed dad's footsteps and blah blah blah blah... the story was built around that... naw mean..? www.soundclick.com/imethemixtape listen to rick jordan... it's the 2nd part to a song called Mark Anthony... but without hearing Mark Anthony you can still get the story...





2. delivery, structure & flow... not bad... you can go through and cut some words out so it flows alot better... and move some things around to change it up... add a lil freeway in there naw mean...

ie: fend to lose breath, if I don't swim out of this.
My mind blurry... looking into a screene with full of "rice",
hard as I can, swimming shit... my arms are weak
...it's to deep, startin to sink... Im losin the fight,





3. Maybe add some empty space... (this would be done more so in audio) such as... (I'll try to explain... the periods that I will use right now are spaces...)

ie: bold letters in a paper, put me to sleep
I leave u with this tape to see................plus a loud bang,
now everything changed, lips sealed again,
can't reverse one mistake...................... and my life is over...













I hope this helped... if not... no worries.
Send a message via AIM to Avalon   Reply With Quote