Wow this was actually not bad. The second I looked at your structure I was like "Fuck this is gonna be shitty" ... fix your structure. Imagery and emotion were solid throughout, multies were ok. Internals were nice and I was feeling the flow in most places, it's good when you can make the melody in your head. I liked the way this ended too, left it with strong emotion...good job.
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=223176