Alright bro, I liked your other piece more than this one. The piece was a pretty good read as you established a cool flow and imagery from the start. Some of the similies you used were good throughout the piece ie "bodys bagged up like groceries". Thought your vocab was good and suited the piece. Overall, I don't think your intention is just to leave this piece on paper. Be honest, this wasn't creative writing. Grab yourself a mic and lay it on a track because it's where it would look at it's best. Typically, audio tracks and and pieces that were meant to be written have very different qualities and this was definately for audio. For example, if this was meant to be a written, it probably would have been more vague and make the reader go hmm, you'd also throw a few twists in the storyline. For audio, the piece is meant to entertain and provide more imagery for the listener to go "damn" this is what this piece has the potential to do. run with it. Also, good use of internals. peace.

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Was he robbed of the ashphalt that cushioned his face?