This wasn't too bad for a new guy. You had some nice vocab with alright emotion and imagery. I think that if you can fix your syllable count up it will really help your flow and make your vocab and wordplay stand out much more. for example:
Reading is fundamental. I read it's detrimental
to drink and smoke because your body is a rental
Here you use 'detrimental' which is a four syallable word, then you use rental to finish the bar off which is a 2 syllable word. Try and make them both either a four or two syllable word, or atleast toss an internal in on the 2nd line to mask it.
Do this, and your flow and read will improve greatly. Nice drop for a new guy, keep on writing and viewing pieces, keep on improving.
edit: i just re-read that bar and it didnt sound too bad.. maybe the period threw me off but eh... good stuff..