Man this was a pretty sick drop. You've gotta lotta potential if yo keep practicing and shit. You have your fundamentals down, like your flow is ok, vocab is ok, the way you choose your words is alright and all that... could be better, but that comes by practicing. What really stood out was your ability to convey emotion effectively. It seems you really felt strongly about what you were writing about and that emotion rubs off into the readers. Word.
Edit: by the way, could you rtf with some quick feed on this drop?
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=227338