Some real ass shit, and fairly well executed. I always like the vibe of these kind of pieces. You could use some improvement though. You pretty much just made straitfoward statements and some weak similies/metaphors throughout the piece. You should try to incorporate more poetic language (complex metaphors/similies/imagery/etc), it really adds that extra spark to your writing. Your rhyme scheme could be improved, you did make a concious effort to occasionally rhyme more than one syllable at a time, but you should do it more often. One rhyme sound at the end of a line can make a verse tiresome to read or even listen to. Your flow was smooth though. Overall, solid verse. Return the favor?
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=227503