this was a pretty decent piece, but to be honest there is quite a bit of room for improvement in this piece though...as jae keeps said already you could have use more poetic devices (metas,similies,imagery etc.) you also could have upped your vocab and all together that would have made this piece seem more complex...you conveyed your thoughts in this ok though....

if you do the things that we've all told you to help with your writin you'll be good to go

~peace~