aite this was an ooooo kkkk piece but the structure wasn't that great and it made the piece somewhat difficult to follow, to be honest. adding multies would have also made the flow a whole lot better. you should count the syllables and adjust the length of your lines accordingly.

on the up side though i thought the thoughts you were conveying were pretty decent though but it's just a matter of the way in which you deliver them as a verse. try out different ways of writing and experiment and see which style suits you because once you find a writing style that suits you, your pieces and the way in which you deliver your thoughts and emotions will improve

stay up fam

~peace~