Originally Posted by Myself

I actually liked this, it had an eloquent feel to it. The concept was creative and it was contectually fluent. My only concerns with the piece is the structure and the emotion. With the emotion it was very inconsistant. At times it would be intense which was great, because I think that's what you should have been striving for giving the topic you chose, but then other times it just completely fell off and I was left with metaphors that couldn't completely support the piece by themselves. With the structure, I'm sure you can see what my concern with that is... It almost looks like either you were trying to be creative with the structure, or you just wrote it straight off the top of your head. Either way, even with a freeverse, there needs to be some sort of balance to the writing. Here you had some lines that were very short while some wrapped the page. Soooo, ya, just try and find a balance and a level of consistancy that you like. Overall, decent piece man, needs some work though. Keep at it.