Originally Posted by Myself

Well, for one I'm really hoping that you're seeking some sort of treatment.

I personally, have suicidal thoughts constantly. Almost a year ago I smoked some shit and it gave me an anxiety dissorder, coupled with cronic Derealization and acute Depersonalization... Which basically means, I almost never truly feel like I'm alive. I've chosen not to go on medication, which, the medication could only prevent the anxiety attacks but would do nothing for the feeling of things not being real. I had been doing good about 7 months, went with no panic attacks and I was making huge strides in recovering, but I had a relapse into my anxiety dissorder and basically, all of the tolerance and coping mechanisms I had built up just got reset back to the beging. Since then, if I think about the future and what I'm going to do... I get so overwhelmed I get anxiety attacks and the future looks so hopeless that suicide seems like the only option whether I truly want that or not. The thoughts of suicide are scary as fuck, for me it's like, I look to the past and remeber myself so happy and I was so independant and pretty much only stopped home every now and then to grab some food... But now I'm more or less just an agrophobe (afraid of leaving the house) because if I do go out I know I'm going to have an axiety attack. But on the other hand I also know that if I push myself to go out, and I have that attack and I work my way through it, that I'm another step closer to building that tolerance I once had back up. It's crazy stuff, but I definately know what it's like to deal with suicidal thoughts, it's like there another you that keeps pushing that idea when you don't even really want it.

Really though, odd's are you're depressed. Bring it up to your doctor and you can discuss therapy options that can seriously help. Good luck sorting out your life man, don't throw it away though.