First impressions, this seems rushed.

I think that it falls short of what it could be. I also think that the structured style that you have used doesn't help. The wording is basic, there is little imagery. The vocabs, complexity and overall feel of this piece is that it was lacking effort. Maybe, if you went back to this idea and put more thought into it, it would be cool.

For now though, I would give it a 6/10.