I didn't really like the structure of the piece. It was so stop and go that the fluency of the content suffered. I dont know, personally when I think of like it's something free running and smooth, so it could have worked had you made the portion about light smooth and left dark choppy to differenciate, and establish your favored side by making one seem more abrupt and crude. Alot of it kind of came off as corny to me too...

'Blinding, white, piercing rays,
They strike.
Sun staffs, gripped by lights hand.
Lances of wonder,
Beat against shields of shadow.'

Lol, like I think the structure had a lot to do with that aswell, but I got such a fairytale, D&D kind of vibe from that. It just seemed really nerdy. I don't know I had alot of trouble with this throughout because of that structuring. The short lines are fine, I personally use those all the time, but I don't think you even knew that you dont have to have a cama after every break. If the line is supposed to run through than you can just break, readers should know that they're supposed to read on through that line break until they hit a cama or period where it's supposed to be. Uuum ya, not horrible just wasn't really my kind of piece to begin with and the format messed me up.