this is cool, i enjoyed the read. I feel you could of added alot more detail to it aswell as imagery.

Try doing this again,but in stanzas. Intro,content and outro. So with the intro have it building up, sorta setting the scene with shit like, "here I lay" "on my knees i cry" then with content, why your on your knees, why your crying, just sorta painting the picture, and with a outro have it literally a end, a few bars of endign it with either a twist or just heaps of emotion.

Try structuring your peice a bit cleaner, this kinda looks all over the place at first glance.
Read through your peices and searchfor words you can change, instead of starting lines like.....

i aint feeling like a cd player ... instead of "I".. try using a higher voca word like, "anxiously" feeling like a cd player. Doing this adds more vocab,and imagery.
Do that to alot of your bars,will add for a more solid peice.


Basically put more time into it, do some editing, add more vocab, paint a picture for the reader. Present it more appealing ( title, fonts, maybe centre your work) and you will be elevating.

stay dropping
-Peace-