This was aight, for a first or a series of first dorps it's aight, your probably new to the depth game and you basically need to start using metaphors, personification and intense description at times. though sometimes simplicity is a virtue, though you need to stop you self glorification as this won't get you any fans or much recognition. Try and WOW the reader by tackling a hard subject and mastering it. Overall, this was a good start just carry on trying to strive.