Quote:
Rheologist formulas and infantile injections
Times the only antidote to miles of tension
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How do those lines relate in any way? What does rheological formulas have to do with the poem? Or infantile injections, for that matter.
Quote:
Suprise; its demented, the human peridium
Wrong choices create a delusion of innocence
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What is demented? The human peridium? What the fuck is a human peridium? A peridium is the membrane of a fruit.
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The sinners gist, a degree-holding chutist kid
Pushing others off edges; knowing ruthlessness
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They obviously know ruthlessness if they're pushing each other off edges. Seems forced. A chutist is a parachutist...You're talking about human fruit membranes and sinners affecting parachutists.
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Abusiveness, neolithic practices modernized
They take possession of amethyst that offers lies
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...Neolithic relates to the last stage of the Stone Age, where animals were domesticated and whatnot. Maybe, mesolithic would suffice, but...and amethyst is a type of purple quartz...and I'm quite sure that stone does not lie.
Quote:
Often dies, deliquesced into darker malfeasance
Left staring into reflective shards of the heaven sent
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WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Amethyst melts into wrongdoing? What reflective shards of the heaven sent? Where the fuck do you ever mention anything relating to shards or angels or anything? What does a reflective shard have to do with the heaven sent? Pal, you do know you're writing for an audience and you're treating us all like idiots, right? I mean, I'm known for my vocabulary and the confusion it brings, but if you look it up in the dictionary it makes sense.
Quote:
The eminence of an ominous cloud of attrition
Showers of recalcatrince not allowed in the Mission
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Tell me, were you dropped on your head as a baby? The immediacy of resistance-lowering trouble, showers of hating control not allowed in the Mission? What Mission? Why is Mission capitalized?
Quote:
A broken existence, now walking planes not aspersed
Stoic visions, the second epoch in a disdained universe
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...Do I have to do with this every line? What un-aspersed planes are you fucking talking about? They're walking on un-malign airplanes? Emotionless vision of the second epoch of a disdained universe? I'm about to stop reading.
Quote:
Its attained uber hurt, Day 2 traverses the wasteland
Mainly due to a parentage breaking its fate plan
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...uber hurt? Super hurt? Why did you randomly throw that word in there? How does a day walk across a wasteland? WHAT WASTELAND? Of a disdained universe? Fate is a plan, so that's a redundant rhyme and forced.
I'm stopping here, because you obviously think there is some kind of metaphorical meaning to this verse and you want us all dig deep into your mind but that's not the point of poetry. It's to get a point across, not to throw random words like amethyst and neolithic out to confuse your fucking reader. You have a good meter, but uh, learn to make some fucking sense.
6/10 because of the meter.