The word of the day is.... ELEVATION.
After reading this, I can say Shiest you need some serious elevation. You've got the concepts down straight, but you lack in the wording department. The wording is what makes the punch and at the moment some of your bars come off sounding awkward. Also, other bars come across too simplistic and a simplistic punch only works if it is really raw and packs a lot of humour.
If you were looking at this verse for audio then it would be nice. It flows well and has some punches, although they are not very strong punches. In text, there is a whole different style and you have to work on developing that style and increasing your ability to word punches better for maximum affect.
That is the truth. Don't take my words the wrong way like an NGN herb.
