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Quote:

Originally Posted by DaTrusHurtz

TO GA Arquetech:

no let me tie this in with film lets see who really lose/
this battle's MISSION IMPOSSIBLE but dawg...your no tom cruise/
see it's RISKY BUSINESS comeing at a LEGEND look..just stop son/
u LOSIN IT cuz FAR AND AWAY my verses make me TOP GUN/
i'll spit u DAYS OF THUNDER make it RAIN MAN u can't see me/
and since u ah hoe in a man's body i think your more use to TV/
see your flow is nicole ritchie...dumb, frail and bitch/
in fact im calling abc/
i got a show to pitch/
comedian staring as himself we'll call it a simple's life/
then put it on just after lost/
cuz thats where he fit's in right!/
theres nothing funny about u/
your skill's trash & u ass but....
i'll laugh when i rip your legs off/
then watch u try and do stand up

I'm not going to break this down bar by bar. But here's your problems

1) You need to avoid self-glory. Like that top gun line, all it does is hype you up and not diss your opponent. In battles here this is frowned upon. If your line doesn't diss your opponent, don't use it.
2) You have a lot of filler. Things that really just take up space and aren't disses. Like the ABC shit, that wasn't really a diss. I see where you were goin' with it, but the punch just wasn't there. Think of it this way, read your punchline to yourself and ask if you think that it would offend you if someone said it to you. If the answer is not at all, then its prolly not a good bar.
3) Fix your structure. First off, get rid of those /'s, they look newbish, only newbs use those. Also, put all your bars within 2 lines. Occasionally there is a time to use 3, but for now, I'd recommend just using 2 as its easier to read and putting your stuff on 3 isn't helping you and just makes it confusing to read.
4) I want you to read battles by other people to learn how to battle around here. Read battles in the archives from people who have good records in this league. You can learn a lot from us.

first thanks 4 the imput.

1.now the top gun was not the direct dis but my 1st 2 bars tell him to let me tie it in with movies all words highlighted are all tom cruise movies so the top gun line is not only self glory but also witty play on movie tittles ie me tieing it in with film.so i named 8 tom crusie movies

2.no the abc line is not a dis but it's not a filler line.that line ties in with the whole tv thing since i used tv to mean both transvestite and televison the punches are the nicloe ritchie line and since she stared in the simple life i thought i would play off that tv shows name and call him simple abc is also the station that airs lost so once again a play off another tv so lost is refering to the L's he takes. so if someone told me i was simple, with a frail flow and use to takeing loses then i would be offended.

3.as far as everything eles i will fix but useing punches with no content makes your verses sound hollow and im a complex writer by nature but i will dumb it down a bit for the sake of winning.