I guess you are right about me, I drift from extreme contentment to sadness sometimes.

It is pretty early now and I just woke up, but I'll explain most of your questions to you later. What I am having trouble with at the moment is that shit you said about death. That death might be better than life. I often think to myself it wouldn't be bad to just die. Yet I have no reason to kill myself, so I end up feeling like I am waiting for death instead of living life.

Except I am wrong. Since wanting to die is a desire, you can't be wanting to die to escape from life. You can't want to live to escape from death either, which is what most people do. You can't even want to have no desires, because that itself is a desire. Letting go of your desires is like falling off a cliff, basically. It's like you have read that you can fly, you have practiced and understood how to fly, but you still can't bring yourself to jump off the cliff. The little desires that remain like the ones I mentioned above appear to be like harnesses or something that you cling onto when trying to jump off the cliff. But how can you fly when you are attached to a harness? The thing you thought was saving you was actually holding you back, you just have to let go.

And you may have desires that you don't even know about. That is why you first need to practice awareness and understand your situation.

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