Well, first of all this seemed more like a poem to me instead of an open mic. It had some Heiku type shit going on or something lol. But really, you need to extend your lines a lil further because with it being the way it is now it'd choppy. This topic is also played, originality helps a lot towards illness. I don't think there is anything else that I see that is wrong with it. Once you start getting the hang of all this you can start adding some inner rhyme scheme and shit to improve also. Oh yea, and add imagery.

pz