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Originally Posted by R-Evolution
This is an interesting discussion.
Omb i understand what you're saying....but i find it would be near impossible to change a whole lifes worth of conditioning for something so "profound".
Love is the biggest phenomenon in most peoples eyes. It is put on a giant fucking pedestal, when in reality. It is a naturally occuring thing that happens in life, just like taking a shit is.
You're vision of what a relationship should be is on point, however...not to doubt your ability on anything, but...i feel like you would be extremely lucky to make enough sense of your vision to her, in order for her to completely adopt it. You're talking about erasing years and years of un-questioned reality for her.
At the same time, i think nos is right. When you meet someone on a certain level that inspires you to love, and it is a mutual occurance....the depth of your actions towards her to make her temporarily happy are not relevant. What is relevant, is her being happy....that is your goal. And it makes you happy, even though success is only temporary. There is nothing you can possibly do to make her happy forever. Nobody can do that.
The reality of it is, she can only be happy for so long. Everyone can only be happy for so long. Because our time is limited. You can't measure success like that, because no matter what you do, death will turn your desire for infinite happiness into a task that you failed miserably at.
And getting back to what nos was saying...I think you just need to change your perspective on your actions with her. instead of looking at it like, you're doing something to make her happy. Look at it like, you're doing something to make the both of you happy. Because if this shallow ideal of relationships urks you so much to where you cannot give without resenting the ignorance that she is not at fault for, than you two probably need to have a serious heart-heart conversation....or you need to go your seperate ways....thats not healthy for anybody.
besides, i hate spending money. But my girl likes going to the movies. I don't hate taking her to the movies, because I like movies as much as she does. I just hate paying for it....But spending money is inevitable...so i might as well do it making us both happy, instead of refusing to cater to a false ideal of relationships just to spite it's permanent existence within the world.
Just an example.....hope i made some sense
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Most people don't have any idea what it's like. It's as if we are all lost at sea, and I'm on a big, roomy, raft with GPS system on it and plenty of food and drinkable water. Originally, I was in the water too, but I managed to climb aboard this raft. So here I am, fine and dandy, warm and dry with everything I need. Some others have found other rafts and climbed onto them as well.
Around me is all these people, splashing around in the cold water, screaming for help, some aren't screaming and are just concentrating on keeping their heads above the water. They aren't moving, I don't know wtf they're doing. There's so many people in the water, my gf is one of them. Some dominant people yell and start gathering people and making people listen to them, they are saying that they know the way to land and that everybody should follow them. Some choose to follow, some have no choice, some don't know what else to do. While some of these people do know where land is, a lot of them have no clue what they're doing, and it's completely obvious they don't, I can see the land on the GPS system.
In the distance I see a man on a raft like mine telling people close to him to climb aboard. Some do, some are too distraught and don't know what's going on. He tells the people further away how to swim, what they should do to get closer to a raft and climb on, since there are so many around. Some people listen to him, some people ignore him, some people are distracted by the others who claim to be heading for land.
So I figure, hey, I'm alright, I might as well try and help people get onto a raft. I tell the close people to climb on, maybe pull them up a little if they are having trouble. I try to explain to people how to swim, but I'm not a great swimmer myself so I'm not the best at explaining it. Some get it and climb onto my raft or another raft, others don't understand my shitty explanations. I listen to what that man from before was telling people and tell them in his words, again, some people get it and some don't.
So wtf am I meant to do? I yell to my gf over and over, with my words, with better words, I move the raft closer, and still she is splashing around in the water struggling to keep her head up. I think what makes it hard for some people is that when you are under water, your hearing is impaired; you can't hear very well what's going on above the water. I can try to time what I'm saying with when their ears are above the water, but it's pretty hard.
That is what it feels like.
And about the she can only be so happy for so long... I know there is absolutely nothing I can possibly do to make her happy forever, only she can make herself happy forever. So what am I doing by giving her short, shallow happiness? I'm just keeping her further away from seeing long-lasting happiness. She concentrates on avoiding non-happiness and obtaining happiness like a drug addict avoids sobriety and seeks to obtain their next hit. It's unhealthy, I can see it's unhealthy. It's an unfortunate way to live. What I would like to happen is for her to want to find her own contentment.
It is completely possible to shatter a lifetimes worth of conditioning, I've seen it happen in numerous people.