man... i had a whole big breakdown of this.... not typing it all over again... in short it basically said that you tried way too hard to add vocabulary and it took away from your piece because you have way too many grammatical errors and wrong usage of some of the words you chose.... i had examples and everything....

I swirl to Grims lot heaving heavy, with strained sought

Though I was raised in a pool of Christians, but my ambition,
Through lies and imprisonment, as I strive in my in vision

……………………………………….As its tainting my fatal envisions

there are more but your word choices are all wrong here.... it confuses your reader and makes no sense at all... real lyricists actually look at your lyrics and break them down.... beats, when applicable, are secondary... know what you're writing... mean what you say... and be able to back up WHY you worded the things in the manner that you did....

best line was easily the last line... you should have stuck with this simple approach the whole way thru and we would have seen the REAL you coming out in this piece.... i'd rather the real over the flashy any day... kats can tell when sumn is being forced on them....

don't take it to heart.... just my observation.... speak from inside of yaself and don't worry about tryna impress kats, especially on THIS site.... most are either dickriders tryna get friends or haters who've been here forever and never got any respect (basically because they were haters)

grammar and word usage were the the only major issues i saw with this.... keep writing.... you'll step it up if you keep at it

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