The first bar you hurt yourself,
"a lyrical massacare of ideal proportions/ ill have you beggin on the streets for lyrical extorcions/" - you used lyrical twice...Many people get annoyed by that quickly. (Just so you know)

I read only some of it, and first off, people usually wont read a whole open mic if its that long.

But your not to bad, keep on rapping and you'll notice an improvement.

ALSO, check out the Wackness Emergency Center. Its like a lyrical help area,