I liked this piece, nicely thought out.Nice detail was put in this story.Only way to improve i guess is better vocab but never the less 8/10.
Good stuff.
What u need to do is leave feeback on other peoples pieces.then right click on the www. bit or http://rapverse in the top left hand of your screen, then click copy.then come back to your piece in the quick reply place,right click again and paste.
job done son.