Thread: Hustler Book 1
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Old 11-11-08, 08:59 PM   #6
King Solo
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In general it is pretty good. Obviously the spelling errors will be checked before publication. For me though, the way you describe everything is pretty bland.


Just one example to give you an idea:

Quote:
Originally Posted by CALI
The red glow of the alarm clock in the corner showed 6 a.m. and the alarm buzzed nosily making Mack shift uncomfortably before pushing the covers off and stepping out to shiver in the cold air of the apartment. He knew that if he didn't shut the alarm clock off then his mother definitely wouldn't.She was too high from last nite to do anything more then make a sound of disapproval from her spot in the bed. The noise ceased and his mother signed before rolling back over to sleep.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick Fletcher
The alarm clock fed a dim, red glow into the room creating a faint backdrop of light for the night’s shadows to dance on. As the display changed to 06:00, the alarm buzzed to life with enforced volume as its surprise arrival broke the cold silence. Mack shifted uncomfortably before pushing the covers off. His body didn’t want to move, but Mack knew that his mother wouldn’t shut the alarm off. She was still suffering the effects of a drug-induced high from the previous night, and the only thing she was capable of doing was producing a groaning sound of disapproval. So, with no other choice but to attempt to withstand the drumming in his head, Mack braved the cold air to return the silence. As he flicked the alarm off he heard his mother let out a half-hearted sigh before she rolled over and fell back to sleep.



It's slightly longer, but it sets the scene and gives it a bit more of an atmosphere.
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