HT....what happened man? i definately must have been confused as to who you are on rb. I apparantly have you confused with someone else, cuz he doesnt write like that. Anyways this is the deal. BOTH of you are having the exact same problem.
First and for most, your structure. You guys have to work on that rhyme scheme
and incorporating the right ammount of words in your bars. Shorten them up, dont try n saay so much. in a single punch, theres no point in tryin to say 3 or 4 different things. A punch should basically have 1 concept, set it up in your 1st bar..then hit it hard with a good finish in ya 2nd bar. Another thing, is the statements...the fact that you guys are trying to say sooo much in your bars. It comes off as a statement, you cant make a good punch with that many things being said. Go one direction with it, it will come off more effectively.

ill come back shortly and breakdown your bars, and try n explain what im saying

v/ N

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Let ME fiiiinnd ooout