at least you used bars..made it easy to read...
your lines were played,the whole topic was played
pic something you think people could relate to and get into
cause i am tired of the "dont come to my block" verses
i guess some fools are feeling this though..i wasnt at all
but for a first rhyme it was aight....you need to work on
rhyme scheme and structure..even your lines out...
get creative and put a good deal of effort into your next drop
and please choose a good topic...some originality would help
keep droppin, and elevating....

~2~