as far as rap goes...keep at it, your verse is very simplistic, bar structure is off, which in turn fucks the flow up....here's some pointers:

Flow/Structure:
+Maximum Syllables per line: 16
+Minimum Syllables per line: 13

Vocab:
+Read a Dictionary....lol

Wordplay:
+Make more words rhyme than just the last word

Wrk on those, andyou'll bebetter in no time, or alot of time depending on how fast you adapt to the chages that lie ahead...

Nice verse though

P.e.a.c.e.