Well, this had a good flow to it but just by reading this verse I can tell you're a newbie just by the topic. Come with something original put some more thought towards what you want to write and tell about other than how ill you are or how you're going to take over... pretty much anything that's saying how you're superior to anyone else without a main story plot. You have a decent that could use minor work but you are definately elevating.

pz