Aight kidd here we go...
Quote:
im inhaling deep breaths to refresh my database//
feels like another strugle trapped in this paper chase//
my place is laced with ambitions to be the best//
but i have visions of my life with out flesh//
|
The flow came out nicely here, good use of internals, I don't think that you have to worry about the vocab, it was done good enough to get the attention of the reader, some people mistake the thought of vocab and have to use words no one has ever seen before, but the reality of it is that it's used to make some words which appear often, less. You can also get ahold of the emotion coming in on the fourth line.
Quote:
god bless my lost soul, as i travel threw time//
|
Maybe a typo, but I think that you meant "through"
Quote:
let me rewind to the time when i wanted to die//
yelling to the heavens buts god just takes his time//
i had the nine to my head about the let the trigger go//
thought i was worthless until the light started shinng slow//
|
Now this is the part where I would say that you need to look into the vocab, I mean the constant words such as "rewind" and "nine" are too common, other than that though, the emotion is well kept up in this portion of the verse.
Quote:
now i know, i was probabley just a test from god//
to see if i had the strenght to get where i belong//
|
Again the emotion was done nicely here, I feel that the imagery could have been utilized, that would have created another atmosphere here, a nice piece in general here, the idea behind it is one of the ones that he been done from time to time, but I guess it hasn't "played" out simply cause it's true and it does have great meaning to that individual, nice piece
BTW, where in New Mexico are you from?
love...