this is a nice piece, it shows your potential as a great writter.
vocab was great, thats the one thing that stood out to me.
the concept and emotion to this piece were present, but in my opinion, you need to put some time into a much longer, thought out piece....i can already tell you that it would be dope because this is good for how short it is.
the emotion, style, vocab and meaning show your true talent, which i dont belive that you have completely tapped into yet.
like i said, set a topic, put time into it...see what you come up with, i think it will be dope...
also, drop the //'s.....we can tell where your lines end.
keep writting, you got some talend that not everybody was blessed with....capitalize!