a few suggestions
#1. dont say ur shit is ill unless it is
ur just gonna piss peeps off
#2. especially if ur rappin bout how good u are
- its ridiculously overplayed
#3. if u want to rap bout how good u are do it
in a unique style or a consistent topic
#4. the structure is tough to follow, which takes
away from the rhyme, and thats not good
- look out some others do it, break it into lines and such
#5. ur first 3 lines had decent flow then u switched
the style and it didnt come out well
#6. peep my "7 deadly rap" its gettin slept on like a mutha
#7. u got talent u just need to focus it
#8. pay attention to any advice u get