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Guest
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IP:
Quote:
none of us better/
i've been cuaght talkin to mirrors bumpin the letter/
boastful, antisocial, personal business proposals, chanting burn your stripes/
learn your rights, extinguish stars, in english bars like pub concerts/
take a pill, pay your bill, or get your lines cut by my wreck finder/
found what i'd lost, and gained knowleadge of its cost, to retain violence in bars/
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Your intro to this piece was unbalanced, though it did play it self out later, I'd just thought that I would point that out. after those lines though the flow was very good and the lines started to take nice shape.
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sticking out like blind men crossing in silence ripping dogs/
ignoring traffic lights, it's better thru death...
wonder whether i'm laughing right/
my paranoia is socially constructed, erupted vocally/
the subject is now openly discussed..disgusted/
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Now I mostly blame myself for waking up too soon and reading this, but for the most part I could not get a grasp of what it is you are trying to get across with those lines. I thought I had some idea of what you were saying, but if that is the case then those meta's you used there need work, if not then I am missing something and might come back to read this again, but I could not figure out what you were talking about there.
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and simply go against the grain like timothy mcveigh, in court for crop circlrs/
know this, i cant help but speak it for selfish reasons/
like oceans freezing oceans, blood cold like russian seasons/
squeezing notions verses Islamic, Bush seen with Saddam seeking a truthul nexus/
spilling ouuta my Shell like oil tankers leaking and leaving in Houston Texas....
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I liked the last two lines man, those were nicely done, the first one quoted had some interesting wordplay and was good as well, a nice end to this piece, flow wise it was straight, I think that you could have worked a bit more on the rhyme scheme, that would have given it some dimension, other than that it's a nice looking piece...
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