Well this is not really metaphorically done, more so indirectly, but blah I digress...
I loved this piece man!
Quote:
Daybreak, I'm laying on my bed in silence unable to move/
Passers-by giving a passing glance I have nothing to prove/
A powerhouse on the inside yet dormant in my actions/
Tattooed up with labels and numbers in orderly fashion/
Darkness creeps upon my lonely slumber in my isolated chamber/
Silence is broken the instance I'm rushed by a couple of stangers/
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The overall intro to the piece was very good, flow wise it could not be any better, the rhyme scheme was good, butI liked the aliteration you displayed here man, nice, wordage was good as well, I agree that you have no real idea what the piece is about here, but in the next few sets of lines it sets it self apart. Some nice storytelling elements visible as well man.
Quote:
No resistance dwells within me as I am rolled onto baron flats/
Strategically placed beneath a metal device which I am soon attached/
Destination unknown but knowing that there is no coming back/
No family or friends to bid farewell I'm a lone soldier releasing my wrath/
The thumbs up is given, my moment of truth approaches me relentless/
Trigger guards lifted, time to release my detained internal convictions/
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Aight here is where I picked up you were talking about the war realm and how you play a part in it, nicely done. Again the flow was very good, the word choice has been an added piece to your verse and it's done well.
Quote:
Passing through a stage of haziness my destruction is imminent/
Light becomes visible through the haze approaching the end of it/
Taking up the sights from above yet only one place has a meaning/
My comrades watch from the heavens the distance between us increasing/
Point of impact is met, smashing through layers into the Earth violently/
My sacrifice was a victory for my army as my country celebrates triumphantly/
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The ending was a what I was hoping for, though I didn't expect that, it did nice along the storytelling lines. You built up a nice transition and put the climax to it at the end, very good. All the techniques were done either good or greatly here man, a very nice piece that I enjoyed reading, keep it up dawg...
love....