The concept of this piece was good....but the overall structure could use improvement.

You don't have to end every line as soon as a rhyming word comes up. You can have internal rhymes and such.
Try to lengthen the lines some bit, but then again, maybe this sounds good when you say it. I don't know. But if you lengthen the lines so may find it easier to express your feelings.
However, this is your style and I can only give pointers, and am pretty much reinforcing what everyone else has said.