I liked this because it was simplicity at it's best. It's always good to elevate,and I suggest you do(vocab, multis etc) but it's nice to read a verse without all that. It's cool because it's the definition of rap; rhyming words comveying thoughts and feelings. An abridged version of it anyway. Nice work, but elevating wouldn' hurt.
Check my piece "My Beautiful One"
Peace

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Life isn't a bitch...
she's just sick of being personified -Sage Francis