I liked this verse because it had a nice consistency. Each line started the same as the one before it, but related an experiance so different you'd think it belonged in a different piece, but it still fit. You need to work on multis, and there was really no wordplay in this that I saw, so consider elevating that.
Good work, check out either of my pieces(preferably the second one) the links are in my sig.
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Life isn't a bitch...
she's just sick of being personified -Sage Francis