it is difficult to say a lot in a little space...
you did quite well here.

to be picky, a couple questions. There is no explaination to why.
1. he loves her
2. hes killing himself

The poem does work very well on it's own...however I have trouble being sympathetic for the character because this all is unexplained...

But I did enjoy it, and i think it was good.
keep it up
Peace

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I'm a goblin hooked on rails, stuck drinking ale/ I'll rip the horn out a unicorn and shove it up your fairy tale.