Okay, the message that was brought forth in this piece of poetry was an excellent concept. The overall structure was great. However, it didn't really grasp onto me as some other pieces might. This was a little too direct and really didn't make you stop and think, "This line was dope." You really didn't put a twist or spin on things, and I find that is what makes a lasting impression is that twist, that thought provoking line that ties everything together. Those lines impress me because it shows that the artist went the extra mile in the creation of his piece.

Secondly, I would refrain from using "2" as "to" and "4" as "for" and so on. It really does take away from the total effect that a piece has, and a lot of times leaves the reader with the impression that the artist rushed it so much that he didn't even have time to spell everything out.

That's my advice. Great, but used often topic. Just practice going that extra mile and soon enough all of your ideas will "evolve as one."