"I try desperatly to move, Though I Fail
My eyes grow hazy, and my Face grows Pale
My Cold eyes Role back into my head
As I lie on the Floor, Almost dead
Thick blood begins to trickle down my dry, cold lips"

That part was really good. This whole thing was good. You keep coming up with good content in your writings. I'm wondering if you'll ever have a bad one? :P But that part had a lot of imagery in it so I really liked it. It put a perfect picture in my head of what was going on.

I would try to give you tips to help you get better but I don't see anywhere you could improve. Actually you could help me get better at writing, instead of me helping you..lol