I know that I am just a newbie so make what you want of my comments.
You got some sweet words but because of the set up it is real hard to feel your flow. Set it out in bars, like you did the last piece, to make it easy to get the beat. Also some of the bars are just real drastic changes in pace and lenght.

I would like to see some more verses for sure. Chuck em up bro, lets see more.