This wasnt bad, flowed pretty well to me i didnt think it was anything above average, its pretty short for a first verse, industry standard is 16 bars a verse, there was nothing that really stod out to me as quoteable material, just a lot of truth - such as the twenty from my moms purse, ive felt like that a couple times...ha ha... on the real though, try adding more multi syllable rhyming into this, step the level up, and right now you only have external rhyming ( the last word ) try to use some internals ( so it rhymes at the start of the next sentence ) if you dont get what i mean, i'll try to give an example. Some wordplay would fit nicely into this if you use it in the correct context, it'll lighten the mood a little if you get what i mean, overall it wasnt a bad verse, flow could do with a touch, but like i said, if you add a few internals and get multi's in there, it would sound a lot better, i suggest making it 3 verses each of 16 lines though, it fits better, hopefully this will be made into an audio so we can hear it when its finished.

Sorry if ive been harsh on the critique, but its constructive critisism, i dont mean to be a heter, i just want to help you improve and give you some advice on how to go about it!
Give my piece a reply if you get the time, return the favour type thing. .

Peace!