you had a nice i dea but i couldnt keep the flow, it seems like your lines just have to many words in them and it seperates the rhmying to much. you know what i mean?

its like you read two whole sentances and out of the two sentances only two of the words rhyme.

i think if you made the lines shorter it would rhyme better.

just work on that and i think it would be a lot better, you had a nice idea but a song just aint a song if it doesnt rhyme right

thanks for replying to mine.