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Originally posted by Prolyfic
is it wrong not to want tommorow for the hurt of today,
can i live in the moment an let my faith not sway/
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hmm...ur opening is really interesting..u started it in a form of a question where u are wondering for a fact how the future can be wrong or right regarding of whats in the present....good job for that.
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do i dare question ur motives for life taken away,
or do u dare leave me hopeless to my bodies decay/
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i really liked this part...the metaphor "body's decay" are really deep...it shows how u were hurt soo bad and u seem confuse of the whole reason why is this person u are referring to did this to u..like ur making us understand what she did kills you bit by bit...niiice
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4 my mind intwined w/ our thoughts of forever,
to b eternaly, reflectin my soul emersed in we/
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this part i feelin it... the strong words of remembrance of memories like it would be totally kept for thousands of years...am i even making sense?? LOL
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do u dare spite tha fact that i would bleed 4 we,
jus to lay in the same bed at night and peacfully sleep/
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question would every1 want an answer to....i liked how u use "we" for "us"
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am i askin too much to just love this woman,
not jus a night stand, oaths of truth from my right hand/
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wow man...thats definitely deep..."oaths of truth from my right hand" no one could ever put those in the right words...damn
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never had to fight emotions of faltering devotion,
our climax left me open, ur words my lifes opus/
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good vocab in these lines....emotions are getting stronger as i read every line..
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am i wrong to miss u enough to join u in ascention,
not to fear this outlook, my soul has been imprisoned
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i dont have anything more to say on this....i can relate for the fact that arrggh! love do suck ..or maybe its just me LOL
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appeal to tha court but there misguided predeterminations,
stopped my light of love before its reached germination/
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hmm...quite confusing at some points but i like how the way u mentioned appealing to the court as if ur like defending something...kinda awesome in a way
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u told me stand firm and patient for there are many,
but chemistry is delicate and our simitry is perfect/
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wow..the "simmetry is perfect" definitely fits...its like ur showing how u guys are made for each other...like a line..ur at one end and her is at the other
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or is it im just not yet worthy of this happiness,
some karma from way back has its grasp on my bliss/
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the word "karma" is kind of a cool word to fit in ur poem...its like a consequence waiting to happen for something in return of what u did...props..
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tha path is lit w/ stars so i may find my way back ,
i jus hope that God might forgive such a flagrant act/
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nice metaphor and imagery...like how the path is lit with stars..i like that
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cuz i cant take this life w/o u to lay in my lap,
bring a end to this chapter, im on my way...
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the ending...hmm..its kinda missing something i dont know what it is...but u couldve done it better..u shouldve like describe or end what it is ur going through this poem or either...answer those questions...that u were asking metaphorically...but this is nice...
keep em droppin!...*whew* finally..this is a long one