The basis of the piece was solid...

You wrote it with a certain amount of heart, but an overall cold over-sight...which is good.

At times a bit too simple for the way you were writing. I would say the rhyme scene was a bit rigid and simple too, but that smoothened out by the build up to the end of each line. Which also was maybe a bit too elaborate and over done.

The ending was done well enough. Though once again, the line maybe over done a bit..but once we got to the end, the message stood strong...

..resp...