There was instants in your rap when you didn't follow up Ie:
I heard all your rhymes came from nurserys that you probably stole
(This is a pretty good line but the nursery rhymes have been done to death, also don't say "I heard" or "probably", to you everything is proven facts, say "That's why" and "no doubt

Also try and stay on topic, if you say
Better watch what you say next round im off parole
then your next line should involve SOMETHING about jail, ex-con's, jailtime, gay guy's in prison, SOMETHING!
Maybe: Ya rap's like illerate convict's escape plan's..... easily foiled

Example:

In this game of rapping, you like a hovercraft, cuz u "aint touchin mines"
When it comes to battles, I got more won (ones)than strippers workin fulltime

Well, it wasn;t the best example, but the subject of the beginning of both lines are about rapping and battles, which go hand in hand. If you can link up the last two (I didn;t ) you get even more props

Just pm me or post here, if you need more tips